Day 1 - Pain

     It was this times that I felt like the pain I am feeling will never leave me alone.... the pain is sickening.... It was hard... and it is....

The fear I am feeling because I see myself in the black hole again... figuring out how will I overcome this kind of situation where you are alone... being left alone because of all the mistakes you have done...
Asking if you really deserve to be in pain alone? Asking if those mistakes was the reason why you are suffering right now...

    Sometimes, I feel the guilt of making mistakes I've done... but at the same time, acknowledging your flaws and imperfections, I know hidden within myself a hope is waiting...
A hope that I can smile again, can forgive someone and myself for all the mistakes and all those things you've been through were just wasted with just a simple words of "it's better if we stay friends, take care of yourself"

BUT

        Your life has just started. Not because of a heartbreak, you will stop smiling, you will stop evolving. God has just started His true plan for you which you truly deserve. You deserve to be happy, to have peace, and not to be confused about who are you to someone. And it's not easy, His process are NOT easy, but once you've endured it eventually you will see the flow of your process like a water in a river... just flowing smoothly.

If all you feel is pain, get out of that. Pain is inevitable but suffering is OPTIONAL. Which means, it's possible to have control in it. You have control in it, do it on your pace. Do not push yourself but do it when you feel it is the right time you can do it.

It's painful to be left alone, to figure out how you can heal the pain... but someone says to me... it is a part of life and I guess, God knows how hard you are trying and God sees your effort. It may seems a bit vague right now and you may feel like he is doing nothing? He does, the process you are in are part of His process for you. You just need to endure it, endure it because you deserve more than what you are receiving right now. 

CRY if you must

FEEL the pain if it's already unbearable

SPEAK IT OUT if you can't handle it anymore

LET HIM know your sufferings

LET GO of all the past things that had happened

LET HIM handle your situations because I know your mind is out of control

GET OUT of your comfort zone

ALLOW things to be changed and even your current situations

FOCUS on yourself

        because in order to make yourself whole again, you need to be selfish. You are selfish to prioritize yourself because you deserve to be prioritized. Yes, you deserve and don't find it on someone, do it for yourself because it is vital in your personal well-being to established a good relationship with yourself.

Know what you can give, know what you can't take and know your limitations as a person. Know yourself in this process. 

Always remember: First step is always the hardest one. But things will go smoothly once you achived your first, second, third and for the following steps you will make. TRUST HIM and always try your best to be consistent with your faith in Him.

~ I want to thank God for not leaving me alone even I've done so many bad things, for all the repeated mistakes and for all that I am lacking. He never forgets to wake me u every morning and give me the blessings I don't even deserve. It is not easy to trust his plan because there is already a plan that we established but sometimes, the right choices are the hardest ones. Pray before you decide. And let him handle the things if things get out of your control. I'm cheering for you, stay strong.

- self.