Risky Decision

“Facing my own demons is one of the challenging decisions I’ve ever done in my entire life.”

~photo from pinterest

   Why? Because when I started to say to myself na “let’s face it Kaye.” I know there’s a lot of things that is going on my mind; the risk & consequences that may happen not just in mine but also to other people’s life.

But How can I say that? 

Dahil pwedeng madamay ang ibang tao sa mga decision na ginagawa ko.

     When I started to make my first step towards facing my own demons. Tinanggal ko nang pauti-uti yung mga comfort zones ko. Especially when it comes to the dependency & overthinking. 

Dependency when it comes to the people I hung on to (sila yung mga taong tinatakbuhan ko everytime nagkakaproblema ako or everytime I feel that my heart is not okay) 

Overthinking when it comes to the situations na pwedeng pumasok yung tanong na “what if”.

To be honest, it was not easy. It really wasn’t. Dahil dumadating ako sa point na every night, iiyak ako dahil sa sobrang tagal ko mag stay for being “okay & brave” for a day. 

     And dun pumapasok na parang gusto kong takbuhan yung problema, the time kung san I’ll message one of my friends para ilabas yung nasa isip ko.

That’s why I try to get rid one of my comfort zones; I will never learn how to stand on my own two feer.

Dahil babalik at babalik lamang ako sa cycle ko na dumipende sa iba kahit alam ko na kung ano ba dapat ang gawin ko. Kung hindi ako aalis sa comfort zone ko, I will never have the courage to do the right thing kasi alam ko may masasandalan “agad” ako.

It’s okay to have a support system actually, but we need to grab the opportunity and accept the reality na hindi naman 24/7 nandiyan sila palagi.

     Trust me, mahirap kapag nasanay ka na may nasasandalan ka agad. Because when the time comes na may problem ka then one of your closest friend is not available for you, you will feel more miserable. Mas mada-down ka kasi lalo mong mafe-feel yung feeling na mag isa ka lang talaga. Kasi, hindi mo alam kung papaano i-handle yung sarili mo dahil nasanay ka na eh, nasanay ka na, na tumakbo agad sa mga taong kakilala mo kapag may problema ka.

I know, medyo debate ang dating pero this is just based in my experience. Wala naman ako pinapatunayan na mas maganda yung gantong way.

Maybe it can’t be applied to you or can. 

     And May mga araw na tulala ka... hindi mo alam kung magiging productive ka ba sa bagong araw na binigay sayo ni Lord. Hindi mo maintindihan, pero ramdam mo na wala kang energy sa lahat ng bagay. Parang gusto mo lang matulog at magpahinga for the whole day. (It happens to me everytime) But the things is, it can be managed.

But by whom?

    Ofcourse, it’s us. We have our own minds & we should not let our minds control us. We should be the one who is controlling our minds.

—

Ito na ata ang isa sa mga challenging & hardest decision na ginawa ko sa buhay ko.

    When I say “facing my own demons” I started to face it alone. Nasanay kasi ako na kapag inaatake ako, tatakbo ako dun sa taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko and letting them know na “uy inaatake nanaman ako ng anxiety ko, pwede ba mag open up?”

Nagsimula ako to find my own motivation & courage na kailangan ko maging aware tuwing inaatake ako.

    Kailangan ko maging matatag when I sense that hindi ako okay and anytime pwede ako mag break down. Honestly, it was hard for me to resist asking for help. But it was manageable. 

Noong una akala ko hindi ko kaya, naka-ilang attempt din ako at naka-ilang fail din ako. But, the good thing is, I didn’t stop trying. Kahit hopeless na hopeless na ako sa sarili ko. Kasi nakikita ko yung sarili ko na pabalik balik lang ako sa cycle na kinaiinisan ko. Yung tipong mapapasabi ka sa sarili mo na “eto nanama tayo, ano ba problema? Bakit ganiyan ka nanaman?”

    Ang sama sa pakiramdam kapag alam mong tinatanong mo yung sarili mo in that way. Kasi, you feel the negativity na eh... nase-sense mo yung failure mo. 

Araw araw, lagi kong tinatatak sa sarili ko that being greatful for what I have is the most important thing I should accomplish everyday, dahil sa panahon ngayon sobrang dami nang problemang nagaganap and hindi mo alam kung bukas magigising ka pa rin ba. Yung demons ko, alam ko hindi na yan mawawala. But, those demons can help me if I will use it properly. If I will look at the bright side, those demons are not my demons. Those are the real me.

     How come?

“Those are the real me” is not the directly the idea I want you to understand. Here’s the thing:

Maybe those demons that I/we “thought” can actually be the bridge to find who we really are. 

     Can actually help us to build our own foundation. The foundation of love, care & friendship of our ownselves. Hindi naman purkit nandyan yung elements of love, care & friendship relationship with our jowa’s agad diba? 

Before we love somebody else we should learn how to love ourselves first. 

Kaya if you’re one of the millions of pipol in this universe na dumadaan sa crisis na pinagdadaanan ko, this blog is really meant for you to read it. Hindi mo ito binabasa ng wala lang. Sinadya talaga ni Lord na mabasa mo ito dahil mahal ka niya.

    

     When you started acknowledging your demons as your allies and not your enemies, you’ll have the idea on how you and your demons can help each other, right? And in that way, those demons that you considered will transform into bestfriends. Dahil wala naman ginawa si Lord na masama e. Those demons that we thought that is actually bad is not from God but from the devil that is whispering in our ears. 

That’s why we always say to ourselves: “ayan nanaman ang demons ko, eugh I hate it whenever this happens”

That is a sign that the evil is attacking you. Remove the idea na ikaw yun, ikaw yung demon mo.  

    God has given us the capability to surpass every challenges that are given to us. Always remember that if the idea is giving you a bad aura or feeling, it isn’t from God. God never wants to see us miserable, the evil do.

——

   Whenever you’re having a hard time. 

• Pace Yourself

• Breathe

• Pray

       The last option? Is to trust yourself. Know yourself, dahil kapag hindi mo kilala kung sino ka, hindi mo alam ang weaknesses & strengths mo, the evil will easily defeat your faith not just in yoursed but also to our Father.

“Faith is the light that shines in through the tunnel”

XxxxxX

Kaya mo yan, keep moving forward. God Bless. 💋